Sigh… For some, this is one of the most stressful times of the year when it should be a time of enjoying good food, laughing, and bonding with family. Conversations and conduct can vary on the spectrum of light-heartedness and good clean fun, to inappropriate, embarrassing, and, “Oh my God, this is going downhill quickly!” But there is hope. We can find firm but creative ways to turn a potentially uncomfortable experience into a pleasant experience for all.
1. Set Clear Boundaries
Boundaries should not be designed to punish. Let’s just start there. Boundaries are a line that marks the limits of an area. The point is not to make this a stuffy occasion with a bunch of rules and consequences. That is not the focus. The focus is to create an environment of love and bonding with the people we care about. So, we must consider our family’s culture before we set boundaries. If you have a lot of practical jokers and everyone has an enjoyable time with that, there may be no need to set boundaries concerning jokes if they are not at someone’s expense. If the family’s culture is relaxed in conversation and attire, go with what you know works. We want to focus on setting boundaries where people do what you consider crossing the line in your home. Remember, this is your home.
Your boundaries may consist of no cursing, telling dirty jokes, smoking in the house, getting drunk, talking about politics, religion, or sex. If these things are an issue, there are a couple of ways to address them.
2. Play Fun Games With Silly Consequences
If you know your family well, some of them may not care about your rules. They still see you as that 10-year-old they used to pat on the head. And what good are your rules if you don’t enforce them? So here are some creative options to let them know you’re serious while not seeming overbearing. Starting out with a list of “Thou Shalt Nots” probably won’t go over well. So create some lighthearted “consequences”. This can be for everyone, so no one feels called out.
Examples: a dunce cap for cursing 3 times, a voting ballot box where they must put in a ticket for the opposing political party or wear a donkey tail and elephant ears for talking politics, a red clown nose for talking religion or sex. Or the paper clip game. Every time you break one of the rules, you must give up a paper clip starting out with 5. Whoever has the most is the winner. Depending on your budget you can give a “Winner” ribbon or an inexpensive under $5 prize. Get a couple in case there is more than one winner. These types of activities may not work well for every family. Therefore, you need to know your family culture very well. If they are practical jokers or love to have a good time, this could change the whole atmosphere of the day.
3. Engage, Redirect, Distract
If games are not something you think your family will respond well to, try this:
Engage – When the train starts going off the rails and you’re caught off guard, what do you do? If you can, plan these three things’ days before the dinner. And play out a few possible scenarios. Have a plan to engage. Have activities that flow throughout the day so there are not a lot of unfilled awkward moments. We want family talking, kids playing and people helping you in the kitchen. Try to avoid idle time.
Redirect – If someone is starting to get a little rowdy or cross the line, try and redirect them to another activity or talk to another person. For example, “Uncle Joe, Robert mentioned that he’s looking for some good barbeque utensils. Since that’s your thing, maybe you can tell him where you got your set from.” And walk with them to the person. That way you make sure they don’t get sidetracked. Then go back to your hosting. You’re redirecting and helping start an appropriate conversation.
Distract – Try to distract with something that a particular person might be interested in. If you say, “Oh look at that blue jay outside.” And you know they do not care anything about birds, it will be obvious to them that it is phony. Try, “Aunt Barbara, I just put in some new succulents in the flowerbed. I want to show them to you. Then start a small conversation. “How do I maintain these?” This will distract and pull them away from the tension. And you get to spend a little one on one time with them. If it starts again, try one of the three: engage, redirect, or distract.
4. Decide Whether You’ll Have Alcohol Or Not
If alcohol is something you usually serve, but it always ends in disaster, the first thing you must consider is everyone’s safety. Is the alcohol causing someone to be abusive or violent? Or is there a danger of them driving while under the influence? If you have someone that is recovering from an addiction, have the family support them by just not having it there. Or have some family members drink outside. There are other options. Make the virgin version of drinks. Complete with salts, fruit, umbrellas, and other accessories. You can serve sparkling juices which are a fabulous substitute. Just be sure to have something for everyone. Water is a must. Tea, carbonated drinks, and punch usually do well.
5. Have A Person The Family Respects To Support You
We always have that patriarch/matriarch type that when they speak, everyone listens. Have coffee with them. Or set a facetime call where you can tell them your concerns and that you need their help. Let’s be real. Some relatives do not respect what you say even if it is your house. And you find yourself overwhelmed trying to reign everything in. If that grandpa, grandma, or aunt is there to help set things straight, it will help you get back to the business of hosting. They already know about that crazy uncle! They have more authority than anyone else to pull them to the side and diffuse the situation. So just be clear with them about your expectations of the flow of the day and how you will need their help.
The week of the gathering, do some small things for yourself or even that morning if you can. Take a walk, get some fresh air to get your heart pumping, and blood flow to the brain. Meditate, take a bubble bath or get a manicure. For your own self-care, plan well. But don’t allow what could happen to consume you. Even if things don’t go exactly the way you had hoped, you will get through it.
Hostess Challenge: What patriarch, matriarch, or elder will you ask to help you navigate inappropriate conversations?
